Martes, Nobyembre 1, 2011

Complicated

Photo by PiousWacko via Flickr.
And you take what you get and you turn it into honesty
and promise me you'll never gonna find you fake it.


"Alam mo ba ang three month rule? Putang ina naman Bash ganyan ka ba katigas?"
~Popoy, OMC

Yah know I've recently recovered from a one year heart break. Akala ko magtatagal pa pero ayun nga minsan magigising ka na lang at okay ka na dahil pagod ka na kakasampal sa mukha mo, sukang suka ka na sa ammonia, at naglulungad ka na sa kape para lang magising. It just happens, izz real.

At kung kailan ka naman happy na sa life mong pinagkakabusy busyhan mong lunurin sa trabaho, pagkain at friendship eh minsan may isang manggugulong factor para icomplicate ang mga bagay bagay. Si food. Choz. Si friendship.

What happened....

But before that kelangan ng flashback muna one year earlier. Roll VTR.

Nameet ko si Noel sa pista ng Penafrancia sa Naga. That was September. Isang pagtkakatagpo sinadya lang ng pagkakataon. Bakasyon nya at ako bakasyon ko rin. Madali nyang pinaramdam yung attraction nya at ako'y nahihiyang iparamdam din yun. Naworkout ko kasi kaagad sa kwento nya na may jowa sya at the time na iniwan sa Manila. For me kasi bullshit yung ganon, izz complicated and such na makikieksena ala No Other (wo)Man. Before lumisan sa Naga, nagkapalitan din naman kami, nagbabakasakaling mag-aantay ako for him. Kasi may pagka Roselle Nava ako. Nakipagbreak din sya eventually dun sa boyfie nya pero feeling guilty ako kasi ayoko mangyari sakin yung ganun, dabah nagawa nya yun sa iba magagawa nya rin yun sakin. Inantay ko munang lumamig ang sitwasyon, not knowing nawala na sya ng gana. That was October.

Nameet ko via Twitter si Chase, nagkakulitan at natuwa rin naman ako sa kanya. Andami naming similarities, like we both like Sarsi, or we both enjoy eating out, or that we're somehow into the whole Japanese culture. It's like soulmates kami in a way. But you know similarities can only go so far, kasi you don't need a clone. You need someone to complement you. We've only dated twice, one was the ironically memorable movie date on My Amnesia Girl. The other time was the supposed pigout at Banchetto na nauwi sa bijowke at Cubao dahil sa ulan. After that, I felt it wouldn't work out. That was November.

After sometime magkakausap pa rin kami ni Noel. Nagbabaka-sakali pa rin, rumoroselle nava. At least twice kami nagkita by accident sa public place, sa Obar Ortigas (and to think I don't like going to bars ha at nagdadalawang isip pa ako sumama sa officemates ko that time) at sa Enchanted Kingdom. Pinagpasalamat kay destiny sa pagiging mahadera nya sa buhay ko. But I was wrong. Destiny is so overrated. There's no such thing as destiny, only coincidence. Or just plain luck, nabunot ko lang ang Joker that time, not once but twice. Ang last time na nagkita kami was my birthday. At napakacruel joke na at that same week di na sya magpaparamdam ever. That was July.

Sinadya ko na ring di bumalik ng Penafrancia this year kasi I know he'd be there, not that umaasa akong mababangga ko sya dun if ever nga gumora ako. Nagpakabusy na lang ako sa work, nagpakabusog sa food, nagpakalasing sa milo-espresso, at nagpakasaya sa friends. At ayun nga nagising ako one time feeling waaaaaaay better. That was September.

But wait there's more. May naiwan pala ako. For one year na nagdurugo ako for Noel, one year din nagdurugo si Chase for me. We're too alike tsk tsk. Kahit ilang beses nyang inieemote sa tweets nya ako, dinededma ko na lang kasi I'd feel the same way. Izz very complicated this love triangle... err... love chain. One way lang parati.

And now it's October. Nag-inuman kami accidentally sa bahay nila Ezz. Accidentally kasi wala sa plans ang inuman, dumating lang ang officemates ni Ken at nag-aya mag inom ng... HOMG... Emperador. Ininvite na rin namin si Chase na sumali since kapitbahay lang sya ni Ezz at sya ang may-ari ng magicsing na binibijowke namin all the time. Nagconcert na naman sya ng mga emo songs mostly about heart breaks. Pati ang anthem kong Before I Let You Go favorite din nya. Bago ako tuluyang magsuccumb sa powers ng alak eh nagresign na ako sa tagay. Tuloy tuloy lang sila.

Umabot sa point na nakayakap si Chase sa akin at hinahayaan ko lang sya. Although alam na nya at nila Ezz na nirefuse ko na sya before, mejo nalito sila sa gestures ko. Nagbibigay pa ba ako ng chance sa kanya o nagpapaasa lang? Pinilit nilang magkausap kami.

What happened next eh nag usap kami ng sarilinan sa labas. Marami palang problems si Chase, mostly nag-uugat sa problem nya na til now di pa nya tanggap sa sarili nyang beks sya. May awkwardness pa sa family nya. And all he wants is just someone who'll understand him and accept him and appreciate him. But how can you do that when you can't accept who you are? Yah know you can't survive by just the base of Maslow's pyramid. But I can't give him that, self-esteem and such. He has to find that himself.

And I thought ako ang may self-esteem issues. I don't have low self-esteem, I have low esteem for everyone else, sey yan ni Daria. Sana maging ganyan din sya.

Pagpasok ko kinukulit kami nila Ezz kung tapos na ba. Ano bang dapat tapusin? Gusto pala nila eh sabihan ko na at that moment na it's over kaya wag na sya umasa. But I can't do that, not now that I understand his dilemma. I decided I would not say that directly to him kasi I know he would move on on his own eventually. Kahit alam ko mararamdaman nya rin yung pinagdaanan ko I know it would help if he do that on his own. I would only complicated the process.

But what gets me is yung intervention after. Kinausap ako nila Ezz, Bash at Lee to end it now, masaktan na ang masasaktan. I won't do it, I won't bend to their principles. Until natanong ni Bash ayaw ko ba subukan, since he finds it sweet na it's a year na syang nag-aabang sakin. Huuuwhaaaat?! Eh si Noel ba naisip nyang sweet na nag-abang ako ng one year sa kanya?! No. Feeling ko lang their trying to find someone for me. I'm not desperate for love. At ayoko sa lahat na pinTipilit sa akin kung ayoko talaga. At lumabas din sa kanya ang ugat ng intervention na to. They want me to give closure. Ano ba ang dapat bigyan ng closure kung wala naman opening?! Hanudaw?!

I admit there are times that people need closure and there are times kebs lang kung wala. Not everyone wants or needs that, and definitely not everyone deserves it. Kasi they're trying to place themselves in both positions, when in fact maayos ang pag-uusap namin ni Chase and he shows naman he doesn't need it and I won't give it. Did I ask closure from my heartbreaks?! No kasi wala akong karapatan hahah.

I love my friends and I love what they're trying to do. But yah know they're trying to make something as simple turn so complicated. So we had a deal we won't talk about it again, I'll handle matters of the heart by myself thank you very much. Kasi aminin mo kelan ka ba nakinig sa payo ng iba, eh kung sa sariling utak mo nga di ka nakikinig ng payo eh.
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