Linggo, Hunyo 14, 2009

Bitch Lessons

Photo of The Heiress' Tinkerbell by alabang at Flickr

June 14, 2009

Sa pagbulusok ng panahon ng telenovela at mga teleserye ay malaki ang naging epekto nito sa pang araw araw na kabuhayan ng sambayanang Pilipino. Dumami na infernezz ang mga maldita, laitera, at dautera, kasama na rin ang mga estafadora at chismosa. Pinagdusa si Mara ni Clara. Pinadapa sa putik ni Angelica si Marimar. Si Arielle may Ursula. Si Janggeum may Lady Choi. At si Susan Boyle may Simon Cowell.

Sa haba ng listahan eh ito lang naalala ko, from the top of my mind: Bella Flores, Celia Rodriguez, Chandra Romero, Princess Punzalan, at Zeny Zabala. Lahat sila mga bitchessa, kahit sa acting actingan lang naman. Pati sa lokal na palengke dito sa amin may sikat na sikat na mga bitchessa, ang SCQ and Company na sila Santina, Camilla, at Queena pero sa ibang araw ko na lang sila ikekwento noh. At alam nyo ba ang sikreto nilang lahat? Umiinom sila ng isang bote ng Datu Puti para magmukha-sim! Oh kaya nyo yon?!

Well, kung di nyo kaya yan, why not try itong alternative way para maachieve ito in seven days. Di ko orig ito at kelangan ko i-thank ang sponsor kong si Miss Jackie aka bndrdandat ng FSR thread sa PG4M forums. Kung wala ka, wala ito dito kaya kinuha ko na bruha ka! hahah. Nagpapraktis lang po. In english ito kaya ihanda na ang sarili sa nose-bleeding section. Ok here we go.

Pick-up Six: Bitch Lessons

1. Bitches must have a lot of money.
It doesn’t matter how you came into it: inheritance, business, profession, marriage or divorce. The important thing is you are swimming in cash. In other words, you have to be filthy rich. Otherwise, you are not a Bitch. Just white trash. Or some other kind of trash.

2. The Chic don’t Sweat.
Bitches are extremely chic, ergo, they don’t sweat. Literally and figuratively. Bitches don’t sweat the small stuff (what to wear... Bitches can wear Mink in the Sahara.) as well as the big deals (what TV shows to star in after a 1-year stint in prison... just ask Martha)

3. The Vain don’t Complain.
Bitches are also proud to be vain. Everything has to be perfect. Even the coffee, or especially the coffee. So when they don’t get their way, Bitches don’t complain. Whining is for losers, right Ms. California? Bitches take action. They call their lawyers and sue.

4. Bitches are Fashion Don’ts.
It is more interesting to be in the Worst Dressed List than in the Best Dressed List. Bitches are very independent minded and do not follow trends. They are ahead of their time and will usually act on a whim. In their fashion choices, Bitches always stick out in a crowd, never, ever blending in the background. True Bitches never aspire to be in the Fashion Dos, rather they tend to end up in the Fashion Dont’s. And the hell they care.

5. Create Notoriety.
Bitches savor shocking other people. Close off Bloomingdales to the general public and have a private shopping spree if you are the First Lady of a Third World country, but not if you are the First Lady of the US of A, doing so is simply bad taste. Marry a construction worker after rehab if you are the Queen of Hollywood, but not if you are the Queen of the Night. Besides, Queens of the Night don’t go to rehab, they just overdose. Star in a sex video giving someone else’s boyfriend head if you are an heiress, but not if you are a sexy starlet or a Brazillian model. The public might think it was in your job description to begin with. Get extra points if you humiliate your family in the process.

6. Bitches are never wrong.
Bitches never apologize for their mistakes and indiscretions. Not to the party or parties involved or to the general public. They believe that they are always right and others should see it their way, or else, they’ll scratch out your eyes and leave you blind.

Remember, being a bitch means “never ever having to say you’re sorry.”

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